


Bound in Volumes

by thelonebamf



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-03
Updated: 2016-08-21
Packaged: 2018-05-17 23:37:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 18,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5889514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thelonebamf/pseuds/thelonebamf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt: Person A has PTSD from a past war, and the construction near their house forces them out everyday. They go to the library seeking silence, and continue to do so for months that follow. Person B is the librarian working in that library</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“He’s back again.”

Hal looked up from his desk, leaned back just far enough to catch sight of his co-worker, who was glaring out the doorway of the small office, a scowl just barely visible on her face.

“Sorry, who’s back?” He asked, confused.

“That… creepy guy. This is the fourth time this week. He just comes in and goes to that table and…”

“And?”

“And just sits there! For hours! It’s… weird.” She shook her head and withdrew from the doorway, taking a few steps closer to his desk.

“Well maybe, but it’s not against the rules or anything. He’s not bothering anyone?” Hal adjusted his glasses slightly, turning back to his work. “Maybe the guy just needs a quiet place to think.”

Jenna grumbled and wrinkled her nose. “Technically no, he’s not breaking any rules but I don’t know. He’s kind of… I don’t know. Scary looking. What if he’s casing the library or something?”

“Casing the library.” Hal repeated dully. “So he can what- steal our government issued computers or copies of ‘Finding Nemo’ on DVD? I highly doubt it.” When Jenna failed to answer he sighed, and pushed himself back in his chair. “I can go have a word with him if it will make you feel better,” he said at last. “But I really don’t think it’s a big deal.”

“You’re the best.”

-

Breathe. In. Hold it. Out. Four beats each way. Just like they told you in therapy. Close your eyes, but not too long. Don’t let them think you’re sleeping here. They probably wouldn’t like that. Just keep breathing.

David looked straight ahead, counting the seconds between each of his breaths, doing his best to empty his mind of the violent visions that had crept up on him unbidden in the early hours of the morning. His hands, rough and calloused, but clean, nails tidily trimmed were lying flat on the table ahead of him. Aside from the rhythmic rise and fall of his shoulders one might have mistook him for a lifelike statue, or perhaps a mannequin- although one dressed in clothes too rumpled and out of date to be much of a fashion plate.

He’d noticed, of course- the anxious looks from the library staff. No one had said anything, or approached him, and he was determined not to give them any cause. He just needed a place to be; the library was convenient, and more importantly, quiet.

“Do you need any help today?”

The soft tenor interrupted his train of thought, but if David was surprised he didn’t show it. He looked up from the pale wood of the table into the open face of a young man he’d seen at work in the building during the week. The two of them had never spoken, although he’d received a polite smile in passing once or twice.

“No.” He replied quickly, perhaps a little too quickly to be considered polite, he thought. “I mean, no thank you. I’m fine. It’s uh, alright for me to be here, isn’t it?”

“Sure,” the younger man shrugged. “No complaints here. But this _is_ a library. If you find yourself getting bored and need a hand with anything, just give a holler. Or actually, no don’t. This is a _library_. But come and ask for me at the front desk. My name is Hal.” He tapped his fingers gently on the tabletop before smiling and returning to his station, satisfied that he’d done his job and Jenna could rest comfortably knowing their visitor meant no harm.

As his shift came to a close, Hal pulled his jacket tight around him as he stepped out into the early evening air. He saw the stranger walk silently out to his car, start the engine and drive off. He pondered for a moment. Clearly the man had the ability to go wherever he might please during the day, it was a little strange that he might return day after day to the library and make no effort to even browse the shelves. While Hal knew better than to pester any of the guests, he imagined there had to be something he could do to make the man’s visits a little more enjoyable, assuming he did in fact return.

-

The following morning, Hal was unsurprised to see the man waiting patiently outside the library doors as he unlocked them at the start of the day.

“Good morning,” he said as he held the door open, eliciting only a slight nod from the man as he slipped past him. Without another word they both found their places, Hal back at his station, David at his usual table. Everything was just as it had been the last four days.

Well, almost everything. As David pulled his chair out he noticed a small, tidy stack of books in the center of the table. He glanced around briefly, wondering if they belonged to anyone, but he knew he’d been the first person through the door so it seemed unlikely.

“Ah, sorry- I should have mentioned,” came a familiar voice behind him. “I took the liberty of pulling a few titles from the shelves that I thought you might like.”

David turned, to see the same kind smile from the day before, although perhaps with a touch more eagerness and curiosity.

“Let me know if I missed the mark though,” Hal added, “I just sort of made some guesses.”

“Thanks,” David answered, turning back to the stack and tilting his head slightly to take in the titles. It was a pretty broad sample including one or two classics, a best-seller mystery/thriller, even a few non-fiction books about history and nature. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“It’s my job to make sure everyone gets the most out of their time here,” Hal replied with a smile. “Honestly, it’s cool that you’re here, but you aren’t going to inconvenience anyone by asking for a little help. That’s what we’re here for after all.”

“I’ll uh, try to keep that in mind.”

With another quiet nod, Hal left him to peruse the books he’d left behind, and was gratified some time later to see him engrossed in a book detailing a man’s sledding journey through Alaska. So it wasn’t a mistake to imagine him as the outdoorsy type. Good to know.

–

“The library will be closing in ten minutes. Please take your final selections to the front desk for check out and have a good evening.”

David started, the announcement shaking him from the novel he’d been reading. It was quite a bit later than he realized, having made a habit of leaving just as the sun was setting. He stood awkwardly from his spot, wincing at the unexpected strain in his muscles.

“Can I check you out?”

He turned quickly to see Hal standing there again, pushing a cart full of books towards the shelves.

“Sorry?”

“Seemed like you were enjoying that one. I could check it out for you if you’d like to take it home to read,” he offered.

David looked down at the table, scooted the thick paperback volume a few inches away. “That’s- it’s okay. I’d rather not. I prefer to uh, come here. For the quiet.”

“Alright then,” Hal said returning to his cart. “I’ll just hold it at the front desk for you. Have a good night.” With that he disappeared into the stacks before David could object.

–

David didn’t return the following morning or the one after. But when the library opened on Monday morning, he went to his usual table to find the book he’d been reading waiting with him, along with a few new selections. A soft smile crossed his face for just a moment before he took a seat and settled in to read.

–

“So is it the action, or the animals that you like?” Hal asked as he pulled out a chair and took a seat across from David.

“Sorry?”

“In the book. It’s just that’d I’d have an easier time coming up with recommendations if I knew what it was you liked.” Hal leaned forward just a little, resting his head in his hands. “Only, you didn’t seem interested in the crime and thriller books at all, and passed on all the military histories.”

There was a low grumble and David shook his head. “No, you- uh, you’re right.” He was quiet for a moment, unsure how to answer the question, but Hal was making no move to leave. “I guess, the nature is good. Peaceful. And reminds me of where I used to live. A bit.” He rubbed the back of his neck as he looked to the side. “Is it- alright for you to be sitting around talking like this? I don’t want you to get in trouble.”

“It’s a library, not a prison,” Hal laughed. “And I’m on break anyway. Besides, libraries nowadays are all about being friendly and accommodating. We’re trying to shed the whole ‘stern old lady shushing you from behind the desk’ image. Sort of a necessary evolution in the digital age. Less dusty stacks of books, more multimedia, family-friendly, social-program sort of thing.” He leaned back in his seat with a smile. “Heck, it’s become standard for a lot of libraries to have coffee shops inside, when before the idea of food and drinks near all the precious books was unthinkable.”

“O-oh.” David said quietly, taking in his surroundings in a new light.

“You seem a bit surprised,” Hal observed.

David nodded, feeling a little embarrassed. He’d entered the library with the reverence one might have reserved for a church, determined not to disturb anything, to leave no sign however slight of his presence. “You uh, said there was coffee?” he asked, sounding hopeful.

There was a soft scuffle as Hal pushed back in his chair. “You mean you’ve been coming here for over a week and haven’t even stopped in to grab a cup of coffee? Come on, I’ll buy you a cup.”

“David.”

“Hmm?” Hal turned, curious.

“My name. It’s David. Or Dave is fine, honestly. I figure if you’re buying me a drink I should at least give you my name.”

“Well Dave, it’s nice to meet you.” Hal said, offering his hand. “Now let’s go get that coffee.”

–

“Oh geez, I should have said something yesterday. I completely forgot.” Hal winced from his spot around the corner of video shelf.

“Is everything okay?” Dave asked, glancing around anxiously.

Hal groaned a little bit. “I know that’s been ‘your table’ for the last few weeks, but that study group has a standing reservation every third Thursday. I meant to tell you, but I got a little overwhelmed with the summer reading program and, ugh.”

“Hey it’s okay,” Dave said, honestly a little confused at how worked up Hal was about the whole situation. “I’ll just find some other corner to lurk in.”

“Or-”

“Huh?”

“Well,” Hal gestured to his side. “Do you like movies?”

Dave was hesitant to answer, imagining Hal planned on sending him out the door with a handful of DVDs. Unfortunately it was far too early in the day to go back home. “I’d rather not head out just yet, if it’s all the same,” he said at last, glancing first to the occupied table, then the door.

“Oh no, I wasn’t suggesting that. I mean, you can watch them here.” Hal snorted slightly, “Multimedia, accessibility, etc. etc. remember?” He ran his fingers over the spines of several volumes, looking at Dave then back at their titles. “Maybe, this. Or…” he pulled a few cases from the shelves. “Come on,” he said brightly, taking Dave’s hand in his own and guiding him towards the screening rooms. “I’ll get you set up.”

–

“Did you have a good weekend?”

“Yeah, it was alright. Kind of uneventful. Just did some work around the apartment. Overdue, really.”

“Ugh, you’re telling me. Between work and studying, well. Let’s just the the laundry situation has gone from ‘serious’ to ‘dire’.” Hal grinned nervously. “That was probably TMI. Heh, sorry.”

Dave shook his head and took a sip of his coffee. “Nah. S’fine. I’ve been there,” he admitted.

The two of them had stepped outside for a change, enjoying the scenic park-like atmosphere around the building. Whoever had designed the library had done their job well, large trees and benches adding to the relaxed setting. There was even a small pond with a fountain, and ducks which Hal assured him all had names, even if he couldn’t remember them all at the moment.

“So you’re in school? You mean this isn’t uh… ‘the plan’?” Dave asked, genuinely curious.

“Hmm? Oh, no. I mean, I like it, don’t get me wrong. It’s a lot of fun and ah… the people are great…” Hal trailed off thoughtfully. “I mean, I did study library sciences, but it was more focused on databases, automated systems, informatics? My dad was an engineer, but ah… well part of me was always more interested in the programming aspect. This is just my summer job.”

“Oh, I see.” Dave said, eyes straining upward as he did a few mental calculations. “You must be pretty smart then.”

“I do alright,” Hal said appreciatively. “You’re no slouch yourself. You tear through those books about as fast as I can pick them out. What is it you do, anyway?”

Dave grew quiet for a minute, eyes staring straight ahead of him, focused intently on the reflections playing off the water. He made no move to answer and as the silence grew, Hal founds himself fidgeting, positive that he’d struck a nerve.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to pry. It’s none of my business,” he started.

“I’m ex-military,” Dave said abruptly. “Retired now.”

Hal nodded, unsure what response was called for. It did go some way towards explaining Dave’s serious demeanor, penchant for routine, and even perhaps that far off look he’d seen in his eyes, the one that hinted at a weariness too advanced for someone as young as he. Suddenly a thought came to him, and he winced ever so slightly with guilt. “So the military histories…”

Dave shook his head. “I’m not too interested in the past. Trying to stay focused on the present and figuring out…” he turned towards Hal thoughtfully.

“Figuring out…?”

“…what comes next.”


	2. Chapter 2

“She doesn’t like me much, does she?”

“Who, Jenna?” Hal asked. “I wouldn’t say that, I think she just got the wrong idea those first few days. She uh, came into the office complaining about some “creepy guy” lurking around.”

“ “Creepy guy”, huh?” Dave echoed.

“I-I mean I told her right away she was being ridiculous. Obviously you’re not creepy.” Hal felt his face reddening, feelings of embarrassment only furthered by the way Dave raised an eyebrow.

“She’s not that bad, honestly. She’s made a lot of improvements and updates to the summer reading program, it’s kind of her pet project. I think she just gets a little… protective about the kids.”

“And a creepy guy haunting one of the tables is kind of a red flag, huh?” Dave grinned despite himself.

“I just said you aren’t creepy!”

Hal caught sight of Dave’s smile, however slight, and realized he was being teased. Shoving his hands deep into his pockets he returned to the topic at hand.

“Anyway, it’s pretty cool what she’s done. Themed weeks, featured authors, incentive programs. So far it’s been a real success.”

“You sound impressed.”

Hal thought for a moment before nodding. “I guess it’s the sort of thing I would have enjoyed when I was younger. Nerdy kid who would rather sit at home reading than go out and kick a ball around. Plus, it’s always nice to get that sense of validation that the things you’re interested in are worthwhile. Especially from an adult. Getting encouragement and rewards for reading about robots and outer space? That would have been heaven.”

Hal’s gaze seemed distant, as though he was busy remembering something from a long time ago. Yet Dave thought the faraway look in his eyes may have just as easily meant he was considering possibilities for the future. He took the brief lapse in Hal’s attention to study his features. It seemed as if Hal was always watching him, making assessments, forming theories and ideas. In that moment, Dave tried to come up with a few of his own.

“Oh that reminds me. It might be best to clear out of here from three to five. End of the month pizza party for everyone who read twenty books of more.” Hal smiled, turning back to Dave. “You’re welcome to stay of course, since I can vouch that you met the requirements, but they’re expecting fifty or so grade school students so it’s going to get pretty noisy. We could take a walk around the park, if you like?”

“Won’t that put you well over your usual twenty minutes?”

“Hmm? Oh no, it’s fine. I’m not working today.”

–

“So when are you going to show me some of the things you like?”

“M-me?” Hal’s eyes widened as he slipped another book into place.

Dave crossed his arms and leaned back against the nearest shelf ever so lightly. “Oh come on, you said it yourself. Nerdy kid, sitting inside reading all day about spaceships and robots. You’ve got to have a few favorites of your own.”

“Well- sure,” Hal admitted. “I just didn’t think they’d be your sort of thing.”

“Aren’t libraries supposed to be all about ‘broadening your horizons’?” Dave clicked his tongue in mock disapproval. “I’d hate to think you were limiting my experience, Hal.”

Hal groaned, grimacing as he continued shelving the rest of the paranormal romance novels.

“I didn’t mean it that way, it’s just that my hobbies are a little uh… niche.” He didn’t have to turn to know Dave was raising his eyebrow at him again. He grumbled. “Look I could go find a few things, but I have to do this first and it’ll be near closing by then…”

Dave shrugged. “This is a library isn’t it? I’ll take them home.”

–

“Keep pacing, I think it’s helping.”

“Very funny.” Hal grumbled staring out the office window. Realistically it had only been a matter of time before a summer storm hit at an inconvenient time. While they were usually brief, today’s rain had persisted, and only seemed to be getting worse. As it was, the lights had flickered more than once, sending most of the library’s patrons home, those who were desperate enough to brave the storm in the first place.

The day had dragged on at a nearly unbearable pace to Hal, who was already worrying about making his way home. And as it was Saturday, he didn’t even have his friend around to help kill time. With another sigh he pressed his forehead against the glass, the chill outside slowly seeping through and darkening his mood.

“It’s pretty quiet,” Jenna offered, teasing tone suddenly absent. “You could probably cut out early if you wanted.”

He shook his head as he pulled away from the window. “Nah, I think I’ll just stick it out. Hope against reason it’ll get better by the end of my shift.”

Unfortunately the clouds failed to lift over the next few hours, rain spattering in graceless globs against the building. As the lights were dimmed and the doors were locked, Hal found himself standing just inside, fumbling with the strap of his bag, frowning into the unnaturally dark night. He was halfway through making a game plan that involved ducking under multiple shop awnings, trees, and some small amount of acrobatics eh had no chance of performing when a familiar looking car pulled into the lot.

“Dave?” Hal asked, pushing the door open just a few inches.

“Good, you’re still here,” he replied, shaking the water from his head, having become fairly drenched in the short jaunt from the car to the entrance.

“What are you doing here?”

“You walk to work, don’t you?” Dave said, as though the answer was obvious. “Thought you could use a ride home.”

“What, really?”

Dave glanced down, then back up to Hal’s surprised face. “Uh, yes? That doesn’t make me… “creepy”, does it?”

“N-no! Not at all!” Hal said, shoulders sagging with relief. “It makes you…the…the shit!” He stepped outside, letting the door lock behind him. “Honestly, thanks.”

A few minutes later, securely in his seat, Hal drifted in between giving a summary of the day and directions to his apartment, grateful that Dave seemed intent on driving there slowly. It was silly, he told himself, to be so excited to see him again after a single day.

_It’s only because he saved you from having to make your way home in a canoe,_ he insisted silently. He’d grown lost enough in his thoughts that he hadn’t realized they were sitting parked on the street just outside his building.

“Oh, geez, sorry. I kinda spaced there,” he began. “Look, thanks again I really owe– SHIT!”

Hal jumped ever so slightly as a particularly nasty clap of thunder rang out before echoing through the night sky. He was ready to launch into harried string of apologies for shouting when he looked down to see Dave’s hand, knuckles white, wrapped firmly around his wrist.

“Dave?” he ventured quietly. It was obvious there was more going on here than he’d first realized, but he could only venture a guess, and Dave was offering no answer. He sat there silently, grip still firm on Hal’s arm, eyes empty and staring straight ahead.

“Dave?”

He turned his head slightly, absolutely silent and it was several moments before he seemed to “see” Hal, slowly blinking and unfurling his fingers.

“Hey, you okay?” Hal reached out, cautiously laying a hand on his shoulder. There was no response. “Do you… do you wanna come inside for a bit? Til the storm passes? The uh, roads are going to be pretty bad for a while. Wouldn’t want you to get into an accident. People don’t know how to drive in the rain, y’know?”

Dave said nothing, and for a moment Hal thought he would just sit there in silence until he got out of the car. Then, all at once he nodded, gratitude and something that looked like shame on his face.

“Come on,” Hal said, softly smoothing out the fabric of Dave’s jacket. “We can wait out the storm.”


	3. Chapter 3

Hal fumbled with the keys, his usually nimble fingers now cold and stiff. He cast a quick glance over his shoulder at Dave, who was somehow even more quiet than normal, before managing to finally jam the key into the door.   **  
**

“It’s-ah, not much. But make yourself at home. Just uh, shove any laundry or papers out of the way.” He was doing his best to sound upbeat, but if he was completely honest with himself h was more than a little anxious. It wasn’t as though he had any reason to feel afraid of Dave, on the contrary, he was starting to feel afraid for him. Between what he’d gathered about his time in the military, the desire for quiet and now this sudden reaction to the noise of the storm- Hal was already forming a couple of theories as to what his friend was dealing with.

Once the door was open, Hal quickly burst into the small apartment, busying himself with tidying up, or at least trying to organize the chaos. Dave simply entered, closed the door behind him, and stood still, unsure of himself before finally finding a place on the small sofa. He spent a moment taking in his surroundings, which was a relatively simple task, the efficiency being of very modest size.

One side of the sofa butted up against the foot of Hal’s bed which was unsurprisingly covered in a tangle of blankets and pillows, all an epileptic spectrum of colors and patterns, the leftovers of a hundred yard sales. To the other side was an end table on which a small fish tank bubbled dutifully. Dave peered closer and discovered a single fish making lazy circles in the water.

“I see you’ve met Rex,” Hal called from the kitchenette, just over the sound of the microwave.

“Rex?” Dave repeated.

“It’s sort of a little joke. I always wanted a dog, but never managed it as a kid, and the building doesn’t allow them so…” he grinned sheepishly, “Rex.”

“He looks a little lonely. Wouldn’t he be better off with another fish to keep him company?”

“Oh, actually no,” Hal replied, walking back over with two cups of instant coffee. “He’s a betta. They’re uhh… fighting fish? They’re pretty, but really aggressive and do better on their own. If I put another fish in there the two of them would end up going at it until only one was left.”

Dave watched the fish for a minute or two longer before speaking again. “Seems pretty lonely.”

“Well he’s not completely alone,” Hal answered, setting the cups down. “There’s a snail or two in there, and a little cherry shrimp who helps clean the tank. I guess he’s so funny looking Rex doesn’t perceive him as a threat,” he laughed slightly. “Look, there he is.”

Another close look and indeed, Dave could see the bright red body of the shrimp, scurrying across the rocky bottom of the tank.

“Is he… waving at me?”

“Maybe he likes you.”

Dave didn’t know what to say to that, so he settled for taking one of the mugs and leaning back into his spot on the sofa. “Thanks,” he said softly, raising the drink to his lips.

“It’s no trouble,” Hal assured him. “And like I said, feel free to stay as long as you need. I don’t go in tomorrow so it’s fine if it’s a late night.” He found his own spot on the sofa, and filled the silence by flipping open the laptop computer that had been sitting out. A few more moments passed by with nothing but the insistent sound of rain hammering against the tiny window by the bed.

Dave tried not to look at the screen, even though it was in plain sight and Hal was making no effort to obscure his view. He closed his eyes lightly and tried to focus on his breathing, the temperature of the cup in his hands, the rhythmic sound of the keyboard. All minutia. All everyday details. All a part of the here and now, rather than the there and then.

He even succeeded to a degree, which was why he was surprised when he felt the sudden brush of terry cloth against his hand, Hal standing a nearby and offering him the towel. He’d changed out of his work clothes into a loose fitting combination that might have been for casual wear or for sleeping. Neither would have surprised Dave.

“For your hair?” Hal suggested. “It was coming down pretty hard out there.”

Dave accepted the towel and scrubbed at his hair, doing his best to dry himself off. If Hal minded the stray droplets of water scattering onto the floor he said nothing of it, instead finding his place on the sofa again, pulling his legs beneath him.

“Thanks for being patient with me,” he said. “I was thinking of putting on a movie or something? Maybe nothing too cerebral, it’s been kind of a long day…” He began sifting through files, head tilted as he made a selection.

Hal’s musing was cut short however, when a low rumble of thunder, just loud enough to rattle the window panes, disturbed them both. A quick glance to the side revealed Dave, brow furrowed, shoulders hunched. He shifted uncomfortably in his spot, twisting his fingers around the handle of his mug, train of thought seemingly halted.

“Hey, Dave,” Hal started, as casually as he could manage. “Do you listen to a lot of music?” He leaned over and started shuffling papers out of the way until he found what he was looking for. Without waiting for answer he continued. “I’ve just gotten into this one band, CHON? I’ve been listening to them a bit while I’m working. I meant to recommend them before, but the library still hasn’t picked up the albums I suggested. Here.” He dropped a slim mp3 player in Dave’s hand.

Dave stared down at the device briefly, then looked back to Hal who was already busying himself with the computer.

“Tracks 25 and 26 are particularly good,I think. I could listen to them on loop all day.”

He was already running his thumb over the buttons, running over the vague track titles such as “Moon”, “Echo” and “Drift”. With a nod, he pressed play.

It was interesting, to say the least. Energetic, a blend of guitars and mellow drums. Dave could easily imagine Hal at his computer or hunched over textbooks at his desk, letting the music gently coax him on. He closed his eyes again and let his hands fall to his side with a sigh.

If nothing else, the music was effective at blocking out the sounds of the storm.  It made it easier to focus his thoughts again. Breathing in and out. The slowly fading scent of what was left of his coffee. The very gradual shift of Hal’s hand next to and eventually under his own.

It wasn’t unsettling, quite the opposite really- especially when Hal made no sound of protest when Dave’s grip tightened after a second and third crash from outside caused his entire body to tense. Each time he eased up, his fingers still trembling, he was met with a gentle, brief squeeze and a single brush of Hal’s thumb over his knuckles.

Somehow, in spite of the late night caffeine, despite the storm and it’s unbidden images, fully clothed and crammed onto the sofa of the tiny apartment- Dave fell asleep.


	4. Chapter 4

A muffled sigh and shifting of fabric broke the silence in the apartment, Hal stretching his neck and grasping at the edge of the flannel blanket just covering his shoulder. His body protested the movement after a night asleep at an unusual angle and it was only with great reluctance that he found the strength to finally open his eyes. He could make out the coffee table, the hazy form of his laptop now in a slumber of its own. The sun had also decided to make an appearance, thin rays of light casting a golden hue on the room.

 

Hal rubbed at his eyes in an attempt to clear his vision before tapping absently at his temples. He didn’t remember removing his glasses.

 

The blanket fell to his lap as he sat up quickly and looked around the room. His glasses sat folded next to his computer, last night’s cups were gone, and if it weren’t for the neatly folded towel sitting on the kitchen counter he might have thought he imagined the entire affair.

 

Replacing his glasses to his face as he stood, Hal took a few cautious steps forward. Maybe Dave had simply excused himself to the bathroom? But no, the door was open. Hal was in fact, alone, two empty mugs looking up at him from the sink like a pair of questioning eyes.

 

Had it been a mistake to ask Dave inside? Had he made things awkward between the two of them? Hal had been enjoying his job well enough, but over the past several weeks he'd come to look forward to his visits. Picking out titles, making suggestions, refining his ideas on the rare occasions Dave mentioned his personal life, it had been both a challenge and if he was completely honest with himself, a lot of fun. But now he found himself worrying that he’d messed things up, been a bit too forward.

 

Would Dave even show up on Monday?

 

“Good job, Hal. Absolutely  stellar work. Let’s see how many more people you can run out of the library by the end of the month.” He groaned. “At least Jenna will be happy that the “creepy guy” is gone.”

 

“Who’s creepy?”

 

Hal turned suddenly, face red. Dave stood uncertainly in the doorway, two steaming paper cups in his hand, a small paper sack tucked into the crook of his elbow. He slid forward, allowing the door to close behind him with a soft ‘click’ Hal would have sworn echoed for ages. 

 

“N-nobody. I didn’t… I just meant that she…”

 

“Sorry I didn’t knock. Thought you might still be asleep. Just let myself out to, uh-” he gestured with one of the cups. 

 

Hal clasped a hand over his face, shaking his head slightly as his entire body relaxed. “N-no it’s absolutely fine. I just thought…” He slid his fingers down revealing a relieved smile. He accepted one of the cups gratefully and was pleasantly surprised to find it was his usual: black with two sugars.

 

“Th-thank you,” he interjected quickly, embarrassed at his sudden lapse in manners. 

 

“No big deal,” Dave answered, leaning back against the counter and taking a sip. “Probably should have left a note or something, just didn’t want to make a racket.” He opened the small paper sack and offered it to Hal, the appealing scent of yeast and sugar emanating from it.

 

“It’s okay,” Hal said as he chose a donut with a smile. “I guess it’s the double edged sword of living somewhere without any security. People can just come and go as they please. This is really good,” he added, wiping a traces of icing from his lips.

 

“Still seems like a nice place. And you’ve made it…” Dave searched for the words as he eyed a the boldly colored poster of some kind of robot pinned to the wall “...your own.”

 

Hal grinned nervously, the faintest hint of laughter hidden under his breath. “No argument here. But I could probably do a bit more to keep it ah… ready for company.”

 

Dave smiled slightly as he finished his breakfast, tossing both the cup and sack into the trash.

 

“Nah. Don’t change a thing.”

 

\--

 

“So it’s kind of cool really. Even though the show didn’t do that well in Japan, the American response was so positive they were able to go through with the second season. There was a definite shift in tone, and I had to watch the last several episodes multiple times, but the style is so slick and the soundtrack is perfect for the film noir style. Oh, and the designs. The megadeus are so cool!” 

 

Hal’s hands flew across the keyboard, opening up image files and video clips as he continued detailing everything he could remember about the series. He’d suggested some time ago that perhaps the two of them could watch an episode or two of something, but quickly got carried away as he tried to recommend everything at once.

 

“Gotta keep the sound down though,” he added as the opening theme started coming through the speakers. “Neighbors. These walls are so thin sometimes I feel like I could jump into some of their conversations, you know?” 

 

“Not really.”

 

“It's just the usual kind of stuff. ‘Do you know what tomorrow is?’ ‘I can't believe you forgot our anniversary.’ ‘Jack have you seen the scissors?’”

 

“Modern buildings typically have thinner walls and floors. Cuts down on costs and allows more units to be crammed in.”

 

“Oh. I… hadn’t considered that.” Hal admitted. “I just needed a place in my budget that wasn’t too far from campus.”

 

“Makes sense.” Dave said, eyes glancing back at the screen for a moment. “My place…”

 

“Yeah?” Hal turned his head sharply.

 

“Older building. Old part of town really. A lot of empty buildings but not for much longer. Crews have come in, started knocking down the old ones and putting up more modern ones.”

 

“That sounds like quite the project,” Hal said, impressed. “When it that supposed to be complete?”

 

“August 28th.” He answered quickly, his voice carrying a strange precision Hal hadn’t heard before. As Dave noticed his surprise, he softened slightly, the tension around his eyes fading. “It’s going on right outside my window, makes sense for me to keep tabs on it.”

 

“Of course.”

 

\--

“He’s kind of like… Batman.”

 

“Huh?”

 

“Roger. Rich guy. Fancy gadgets. Butler. He’s basically Batman.” 

 

“I don’t think he’s supposed to be… I mean what about his relationship with the android girl? And Batman never piloted a giant robot. Or maybe he did. Who can keep track of everything that ever happened in the comics.”

 

“...”

 

“But he’s got a day job! He’s a negotiator! He gets in his car and goes to where people need him and works out a solution-”

 

“And if that doesn’t work?”

 

“Well he breaks out the fancy gadgets and the giant robot and…”

 

“Mm?”

 

“...he’s basically Batman.”

 

\--

Before he realized it, several hours had passed. Dave seemed content to hang around and made no mention of leaving. He said little as always, and nothing at all when Hal returned from the restroom and found his seat just a little nearer and at enough of an angle that his shoulder leaned up against Dave’s chest. 

 

Hal continued on at length, explaining the context of the show, the philosophical and mythological references, and even slipping into a brief history of mecha in general. But it was his turn to grow quiet when a warm and familiar hand found its way to his shoulder, first simply resting there as though testing the waters, eventually pulling him closer. With his own head tucked gently into the crook of Dave’s neck Hal could feel his cheeks redden and he found he’d forgotten what he’d meant to say.

 

\--

 

Dave eventually left, thanking Hal awkwardly for the invitation and refusing to take home any of the pizza they’d shared earlier in the afternoon. Hal could only stand in the doorway, shifting his weight from foot to foot, unsure of what to say or do but before he could come to any kind of decision Dave reached out and ruffled his ashy hair and gave him a rare, soft smile. Without another word he slipped down the hallway, pausing for just a moment at the stairs to turn and nod before disappearing.

  
That night, despite the confusing emotions swirling through his head, with no regard for the unfinished work that still lay strewn on the coffee table and a nagging suspicion that he’d given the wrong original air date for Macross Frontier, Hal fell asleep.


	5. Chapter 5

“So where’s your boyfriend? Isn’t he usually here by now?”

 

“I don’t know, he didn’t say anyth… I mean he’s not my…. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

 

Hal crossed his arms and turned abruptly, unable to stand the teasing smile growing on his coworker’s face.

 

“Sure you do,” she continued. “Comes in five times a week. Stays all day reading and drinking coffee. Kinda creepy.”

 

“He’s not creepy!” Hal exclaimed and was mortified to look back and see Dave, now standing only a few feet away from the two of them. Jenna laughed, a clear look of satisfaction in her eyes as she grinned at the two of them and started to walk away.

 

“Careful Hal, this is a library,” she jibed, patting him lightly on the shoulder. “You might want to keep it down.”

 

He watched her leave, if only because it gave him an excuse not to look back at Dave who said nothing, choosing instead to simply stand with his hands shoved into his pockets.

 

“I- I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to shout or… well she just likes to joke with me,” he tried to explain. “I wish she wouldn’t bring other people into it.” He looked back at Dave, curious just how much of the exchange he’s heard.

 

“It’s okay,” Dave said shaking his head. “Don’t worry about it.” He wasn’t quite meeting Hal’s gaze, which was concerning to say the least. “Listen, can… we talk for a minute?”

 

“Sure…” Hal answered quickly, trying to still the coiling tendrils churning in his stomach. He didn’t know what Dave wanted to tell him, but he had a pretty good idea. Failing to show up at his usual time, possibly turning into outright avoidance…

 

 _Well we had one nice day,_ Hal thought. _That’s something you can remember._

 

He led him to a private corner of the library, near the rarely used reference books and microfiche all long overdue for a digital upgrade. They found seats only just visible to the rest of the floor, Hal settling into his with no small amount of uncertainty, Dave hunched over, forearms resting on his knees.

 

“Look, I… I know this is awkward. And it’s okay. You don’t owe me any kind of explanation or apology or… anything really. So don’t worry ab-”

 

“I want you to go somewhere with me.”

 

“Sorry?”

 

“Would that be okay?”

 

Dave looked up at last, managing to meet Hal’s gaze, hold it. Hal found himself stunned for a moment, a deer caught in clear, blue headlights, but he gathered himself to answer.

 

“Of course. Yeah. Yes.” He was unsure of  what to say, whether he’d be better off revealing his enthusiasm or playing it cool, and decided to take refuge in the comforting familiarity of facts and planning. “Sometime this weekend? Only I work Saturday again, so Friday night wouldn’t work. But Sunday is good. Just like yesterday.”

 

“Ahh,” Dave rubbed his neck in a bid for time. “Actually the weekend is no good. It’s gotta be Wednesday. Around lunch time? I’m sorry. This is really short notice. It’s okay if you can’t. I know work…”

 

Hal watched Dave shift in his seat, looking almost as uncomfortable as he had on his first few visits. He didn’t know what he had in mind, but could tell whatever it was was important.

 

“No,” he said quickly, then shook his head at the brief flicker of disappointment in Dave’s eyes. “I mean, it’s fine. I’ll figure something out.”

 

“I appreciate it. I’ll pick you up around noon? Your place?”

 

“Sounds great.”

\--

Hal ran a hand through his hair again as he caught his reflection in the mirror for the fourth time that morning. He adjusted the collar of his shirt, banished a speck of lint from his pant leg and checked his reflection once more in the hopes of a sudden dramatic improvement. He’d even gone so far as to iron his nicest shirt, which was just one of his button-downs for work, though Jenna had once told him it “looked nice”. At this point he was willing to take what he could get.

 

Before he could second guess his wardrobe; however, there was a knock at the door. Hal quickly set his hairbrush down on the bathroom counter, heedless of its slide into the sink.

 

“Hey,” Dave said shyly as Hal opened the door.

 

“Hey,” Hal answered, finding himself at an unusual loss for words. “You wanna come in?”

 

Dave shook his head and shifted to hold the door open with his shoulder. “Uh, nah. That’s okay. You ready?”

 

“Sure, just let me grab my bag.”

 

\--

Hal glanced around the small Japanese restaurant as the two of them waited to order. The ride there had been quiet, Dave slipping into his usual silence and Hal too nervous to say much. Realistically he knew it would fall to him to get a conversation going, but a small part of him had hoped that Dave might open up now that the two of them were on a date. If this was a date. He was pretty sure it was a date, if only because he wasn’t the only one who’d dressed up a bit for the occasion.

 

A young waitress took their order, Dave motioning for Hal to go first before simply asking for the same.

 

“It’s kind of strange to be out at this time of day, when most people are at work,” Hal began, hoping to dispel the awkward silence that had grown between them. “Feels kind of decadent, like I’m on vacation.”

 

“I’m not sure taking a day off from work counts as a vacation, but I get what you mean. Thanks for coming, by the way.”

 

Hal briefly waved a hand in the air, “It was no trouble at all. And I’ve covered enough shifts that I think I was due. Awesome. Soup.”

 

He took the bowl that had been placed in front of him and slowly sipped from it. “This is pretty good,” he smiled.  

 

Dave watched him intently for a moment, glancing at the bowl and the lacquered spoon that lay untouched on the table. After brief consideration he picked up his own bowl and began to drink as well.

 

“Not bad,” he agreed. “This stuff is supposed to be good for you, right?”

 

“Yeah!” Hal piped up, happy to have a topic of conversation at last. “Miso is super good for you. Antioxidants and protein and stuff. I only ever get the instant packets to nuke at home but I’m sure at least some of the vitamins make it out alive.”

 

“After a microwave?” Dave gave Hal a disparaging look. “Wouldn’t be so sure about that.”

 

Hal spent the rest of the meal sharing everything he knew about Japan, including some of the foods he was desperate to try and how excited he was you could get marble soda at the regular grocery store these days.

 

“I’m definitely going some day. Not sure when. I’ve looked into study abroad programs, exchange programs, that sort of thing, but it hasn’t panned out yet.”

 

“Why don’t you just, you know, go?” Dave asked as he reached forward to take the check from the table, gently brushing Hal’s hand aside. “Save up some money, take a trip?”

 

“What, just on my own?” Hal sat back in his seat, considering. “I… I guess I could but traveling on your own is just so…”

 

“Lonely?”

 

“Yeah, I… I guess. Isn’t it better to share that kind of experience with someone else?” He asked.

 

“Sure,” Dave answered, taking a few seconds to think it over. “Cheaper too, probably. Splitting travel costs. Sharing a room.”

 

“Uh… y-yeah,” Hal agreed quickly. “Just makes more sense.”

 

After their meal, the two stepped onto the sidewalk, sun almost too bright in the sky.

 

“Thanks for lunch,” Hal said. “Do you come here a lot?”

 

Dave shook his head.

 

“Never been.”

 

\--

 

As they returned to the car, Hal thought maybe they’d just go back to his apartment. Perhaps they’d put on another show. It was also possible that Dave would just drop him off, but as they  turned down the highway and began heading in the opposite direction he realized Dave had more in mind.

 

The idea that they might be headed to Dave’s apartment was also quashed when they pulled into a nondescript office building, grey and dull with nothing noteworthy outside of the flagpole out front.

 

 _Stopping to run an errand?_ Hal pondered.

 

“Do you mind...” Dave started, fingers tense around the steering wheel. “I should have said something before. Could you come inside for a bit?” He looked from Hal to the door of the building, mouth opening and closing as a dozen different explanations died on his tongue.

 

Hal quickly unbuckled his seat belt. “Sure. Everything okay?”

 

“Yeah, but uh, this might take a little while. Sorry. I… I really should have said.”

 

“Hey, it’s alright. What else are smart phones for?”

 

\--

Hal slid down in the hard plastic seat and stretched his legs out in front of him. Hitting the button on the side of his phone he confirmed that indeed, nearly an hour had passed since Dave had left him sitting in what appeared to be some kind of government building. A few other people came in and out the front doors, but all of them seemed to have specific business to attend to and headed straight to their destinations without so much as looking at him.

_So, lunch at a nice restaurant. That’s pretty date-y. Hanging out at the DMV for an hour. Less so._

 

He got up to walk to the window, although the view of the parking lot was hardly inspiring. Still, the sight of Dave’s car was reassuring. He hadn’t been forgotten and left behind in the world’s most dismal lobby.

 

“Hal?”

 

Dave stood uncertainly a few feet away, holding Hal’s bag in one hand. Though the lobby was now suddenly populated by a dozen or so people, most of whom were chatting with one another or in a hurry to leave, he paid them no mind. Instead his eyes remained firmly on Hal.

 

A quick scan of the crowd gave Hal little usable information, and he quickly turned his attention back to Dave.

 

“All done, then?”

 

“Uh, yeah,” Dave answered, handing over the satchel. “Yeah. Hal. We…”

 

“Yes?”

  
“We should talk.”


	6. Chapter 6

“You never asked me.”

 

Hal blinked rapidly in surprise. The car ride back to his apartment had been silent, trip in the elevator devoid of noise aside from the rumble of machinery. He wasn’t sure what he’d expected Dave to say to him, had braced himself for the worst even though he had no idea what that might be. 

 

Still, he hadn’t expected this.

 

“I’m...sorry?”

 

“People usually ask. First thing out of their mouths when they start putting the pieces together. Like they can’t wait.” 

 

Dave leaned back into the sofa, eyes staring straight ahead as he ran a thumbnail along the edge of his teeth. Hal had begun to suspect that Dave treated words like currency, always mindful of the exchange and never wasteful. He felt another apology growing inside him, but held his tongue and waited.

“Thing is,” Dave continued at last with a shake of his head, “I don’t want to talk about it. Talking about the past is like reliving a piece of it over and over, and I’d rather leave the past where it belongs.” He exhaled heavily and finally turned to face Hal, a slim, tired smile on his face. “‘Course that’s all the doctors want you to do. Just talk about it over and over. Relive it from every angle while they make notes and ask you how you feel.”

 

Oh.

 

_ Oh. _

 

“That’s why I stopped going.”

 

Hal froze as realization washed over him. Cautiously he reached out a hand, hesitating briefly before placing it on Dave’s shoulder.

 

“Dave, you- you don’t have to tell me any of this if you don’t want to.”

 

“Yeah.” Dave gave a brief huff of laughter. “Yeah, I know. But if I’m gonna talk about this to a room full of strangers, then I owe you the same.” He closed his eyes and leaned into Hal’s hand ever so slightly as he took a deep breath. “You never asked but… well tell me if I’m wrong, but I never thought that meant you didn’t care. Always figured, if I talked you’d… want to listen.”

 

He opened his eyes once more, breaths now slow and even.

 

“And that made me want to tell you.”

 

\--

  
  


“So you went back? This monday when you were late. And today…”

 

“Like I said before, I should have told you. Especially because-”

 

Hal leaned over slightly, trying to gauge the expression on Dave’s face but came up wanting.

 

“Thought I could handle it on my own, didn’t need the doctors. I knew what might set me off, knew how to avoid it. And if I kept to myself, I could also make sure nobody else got hurt.” He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “And it was fine. Worked out for the most part, even after the bulldozers made themselves at home outside my window from dawn til dusk, I could still escape. There was just one flaw in that plan.”

 

“Oh?”

 

“Yeah,” Dave said quietly. “I met somebody.”

 

Hal’s eyes grew wide, heart still for an instant until Dave spoke again.

 

“And I realized I was tired of being alone.”

 

As confessions of feelings went, it wasn’t a bad one. But Hal felt his shoulders tense, an uneasy feeling settling in the pit of his stomach. Something in Dave’s tone, a deepness beyond the usual gravel, the flatness of his expression- these words weren’t coming easily to the man.

 

“Have you uh, thought about getting a fish?” Hal asked, desperate to lighten the mood.

 

Dave turned ever so slightly and stared at Hal’s reddening face for a full ten seconds before letting out a deep rumble of laughter. 

 

“God, Hal.” He reached over and ruffled his messy locks and soon Hal found himself laughing as well, finally relaxing.

 

“You know, the first guy I went to, he said the same sort of thing,” he admitted. “Not a fish, but a dog. Said it had proven to be really helpful, making a connection with another living thing.”

 

“You have a dog?” Hal asked, momentarily forgetting to be nervous.

 

“Ah, no.” Dave said quietly, looking away. “Didn’t get one in the end, didn’t seem...right.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

Dave made a low noise in the back of his throat and withdrew his hand from where it had been resting on Hal’s back. He rubbed at the back of his neck, hesitating slightly.

 

“A… doctor, a therapist or whatever, even the other people in group, they’ve agreed to handle...this. But an animal? Even one who’s trained, it’s not like a dog can agree to a contract. And even if it works, is it really fair to them? What do they get out of it? Trapping them in an arrangement like that just because I can’t sleep at night?”  He shook his head before burying it in his hands, fingertips rubbing slow circles at his eyes.

 

Hal slipped from his spot on the sofa to the ground, kneeling just in front of him. He covered one of Dave’s hands in his own before gently pulling it aside.

 

“Dave,” he said quietly. “If being alone is really what works for you, then that’s fine but… you don’t have to deny yourself… punish yourself… I mean… ah…” He looked down, adjusted his glasses to buy himself a little more time to think. “It’s okay to accept help, you know.”

 

Feeling that he’d perhaps trespassed a bit further than he had the right, Hal stood, preparing to give Dave some space. His retreat was halted however, when Dave’s arms wrapped around his waist, holding him in place.

 

He stood there, frozen and unsure, but then Dave pulled him closer, burrowed his face just below his chest and Hal could feel his shoulders trembling.

 

Without thinking, he began stroking Dave’s hair, allowing the dark locks to slip through his fingers. He made a faint hum of consideration.

 

“It’s alright. It’s okay.”

 

“Hal, I…” Dave said, words muffled against Hal’s shirt. “I like you. A lot.”

 

Hal fought not to react, to keep his hands in their steady rhythm. He took a breath to respond, but was cut short when Dave spoke again.

 

“But you didn’t ask for this.”

 

To his credit, Hal’s hands only stalled for a moment.

 

“Dave,” he said quietly. “I can’t pretend to know what you’re going through. Hasty research online hardly equips me to understand,” he paused, recovering from his own confession. “But I think if you’re convinced you have to wait until you’re…”fixed”... well I know enough to know it doesn’t work that way.”

 

At the very least, Dave didn’t argue. 

 

“Just because you’re trying to get better… doesn’t mean you aren’t good now.”

 

The arms around his waist tightened, drawing Hal nearer, though he soon became aware Dave was shaking. He leaned down as far as he was able and pressed a soft kiss to the top of Dave’s head before slowly exhaling in a hushed murmur. 

  
After several minutes Dave finally pulled away, relaxing his arms, although they continued to hover at Hal’s sides. He looked up, face flushed, eyes red and stinging.

 

Hal smiled weakly down at him, wondering if his own face wore a similar expression of exhaustion.

 

“I… I know it’s early but maybe...you wanna lie down?”

 

Dave bit his lip as his eyes darted from Hal to the bed.

  
“I don’t… I mean I wouldn’t want to-”

 

“It’s fine. Just ah- promise to share the pillow?”

 

That afternoon, as the sun beat against the thick curtains, as rush hour came and went, with no regard for the return of neighbors and families, boots and sneakers discarded on the floor, Dave held Hal tightly against him, breathing in the scent of his hair.

  
And they slept.


	7. Chapter 7

“You slept with the creepy guy?”

 

“No! Well, technically. Or… literally, rather. That is to say, we just slept. I still had my jeans on. We both did.” Hal shuffled uncomfortably in his seat, wilting under his coworker’s laser focused stare. “It seemed like a good idea at the time. We were both exhausted.”

 

“That bad of a date, huh?” Jenna said, her expression softening.

 

“No- not really,” Hal shook his head. “I mean it wasn’t that bad. And it… might not have even been a date. I don’t know.” He ran a hand over his face, knocking his glasses askew but made no move to fix them.

 

She crossed her arms and frowned. “I thought you said he took you to lunch.”

 

“He did. And then he took me to his group session.” He threw his hands in the air, sighing. “What does that even mean? Are we friends? Something else? Am I just moral support? Boyfriends? Or just ‘dudes being bros’?”

 

“Hal. Hal! Calm down!”

 

Jenna laid a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it gently. She leaned over to look him more directly in the face, which had already become flushed in exasperation.

 

“Take it easy,” she said softly, choosing not to be offended when he rolled his eyes at her.

 

“Look, I don’t know what’s going through that guy’s head. You’re the one that’s been spending the better part of the summer perfecting dating-via-card-catalogue.” She patted his shoulder gently before withdrawing a few feet away. “But I think it’s safe for you to relax. The way I see it… well… look, take me and Phillip. You know it wasn’t until we’d been going out for a while that he showed me his funky birthmark.”

 

“Phil has a funky birthmark?”

 

“That’s not the point!” She hissed. “Okay, so he’s got this weird mark on his back that kinda looks like a tree frog. And he’s a little embarrassed but after I got done being weirded out I realized he was showing it to me because- he was serious about the two of us. Everyone has something weird and gross and uncomfortable in their lives, and he wanted us to be up front about ours. So we could really start to know each other. What’s the phrase? Pimples and everything?”

 

“Warts and all.”

 

“Yeah!” Jenna snapped with smile. “So think of it this way. If the guy is going through so much trouble to expose this stuff to you, then at the very least it means that he cares what you think. So that’s something.”

 

Hal exhaled deeply, a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding throughout the entirety of Jenna’s explanation. He couldn’t deny the truth to her words.

 

“You’re right,” he agreed at last. “And I’m not saying that I’d be upset if he wanted to be “just friends”, but… it would be nice to know if there was a chance we could be…” He glanced away quickly, not sure he was prepared to take the knowing grin on Jenna’s face.

 

“I get it, Hal. I really do.” She said warmly. “But if that’s the case, I think you owe it to yourself to find out.” She ran a quick hand through her hair and straightened up before heading towards the door of the office.

 

“Jenna?”

 

“Hm?”

 

“Thanks.”

 

She chuckled softly and nodded. “Sure, Hal.”

 

“Oh, one more thing?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“He’s not creepy.”

 

* * *

 

“Thanks for coming. I know this is usually your day to get things done,” Hal said, reaching out to open the heavy glass door.

 

“Uh. You’re...welcome?” Dave replied. “But it’s hardly a favor.”

 

Hal smiled with a shrug. “I know but… I’m glad you’re here just the same.”

 

He’d labored for days over trying to pick a place to go with Dave, refusing to call it a “date”, even in his head until he knew more about what Dave thought of their relationship. He knew it was stupid, that he should talk to him plainly, ask for the answer to the question that had been rattling around in his head for over a week.

 

Perhaps the natural history museum wasn’t the most romantic spot, but there would be things to talk about and any silences could be easily played off as interest in the exhibits.

 

_Good plan. Top marks, Emmerich._

 

As they entered the main foyer, Dave started looking around, taking in the architecture of the building, which had been designed with clean, but aesthetically pleasing lines meant to subtly frame all of the exhibits.

 

“You come here often?”

 

“Not… not often,” Hal shook his head. “But I’ve been a few times. Sometimes there’s a special collection that piques my interest and I make an effort to see it. Last year they had an exhibit on man-made tools throughout time. ‘From Stone to Supercomputer’ or something like that.”

 

“Oh yeah? Any robots?”

 

“There… might have been a portion of the exhibit dedicated to emerging technologies. Yes.” Hal said, wrinkling his nose at the gentle jibe.

 

Dave smiled a little at that and nodded in approval before motioning for Hal to lead the way.

* * *

 

“So, you in to rocks then?”

 

“Uh, not really. I mean crystal structures are pretty interesting and all. Bismuth is kind of cool. But it’s not like they have much of a story to them. They’re just… rocks.”

 

* * *

 

 

“So because oxygen levels were dropping worldwide, the quadrupedal body type became ill suited for the needs of a predatory lifestyle.”

 

“Just the number of legs made a difference?”

 

“Yeah!  Weird right? But walking on two legs made them more efficient at breathing, which meant they could move faster, and catch more prey. Meanwhile the herbivores found that a larger size was advantageous to their needs.”

“But the bipeds are your favorite, aren’t they?”

 

“W-what makes you say that?”

 

“Well… _Rex_?”

* * *

 

“Oh there you are! Thought I’d lost you. What’s this? …’Your Body, Yourself’?”

 

“Just the biology exhibit. We can leave if it’s giving you the creeps.”

 

“No… no it’s fine. You seem interested. The models are, ah… really lifelike though.”

 

“Yeah, let’s move on.”

 

“...Everything okay?”

  


“Dave?”

 

“Do you...do you think we really are nothing more than our brains? Everything that makes us, _us_ decided by the chemical output of a single organ?”

 

“What?”

 

“...Nothing. Never mind.”

* * *

 

“And emerging research has shown that early humans lived side by side with homo neanderthalensis, even some genetic overlap. But the reason for their extinction is still unknown. It’s sort of incredible isn’t it? The unseen battle for survival and dominance. Tens of thousands of years of genetic variables all traveling down a family line until the current generation.”

 

“I don’t know about all that.”

 

“You disagree?”

 

“Life… isn’t just about passing on genes.”

 

“W-well no, of course not… but…”

 

“We can pass on so much more than just DNA. I mean, hell this is a natural history museum, Hal. There’s the nature, but there’s also the _history_. Think of what else we’re meant to pass on.”

 

“Like information?”

 

“Sure, information. We’re meant to pass on a record of our time in the form of music, art, literature. But more than that raw data is the meaning behind it, how it makes us feel. That’s… that’s what I want to pass on.”

 

“I guess I never really thought of it like that.”

 

“It’s the only trace we can leave behind that really matters. Funny, guy like you, hanging out with books for a living, thought you’d have come to the same conclusion.”

 

“Sometimes even I have a hard time figuring things out.”

 

* * *

 

As the afternoon came to an end and the museum closed for the day Hal found himself with even more questions than before. He’d gotten no closer to figuring out Dave’s feelings, and was starting to worry that he’s only succeeded in creating more distance between them.

 

The greying skies outside matched his darkening mood, but he tried not to show it.

 

“So did you enjoy yourself?” He asked.

 

“Yeah it’s not a bad museum. Probably wouldn’t have come out here on my own, though.” He looked back at the building for a moment before staring up into the sky, lips twitching at the first faint drops of rain. “I appreciate the invitation.”

 

Hal bit his lip, considering whether he should try and set up another place for them to go, or bluntly ask the question he’d been desperate to have answered for days.

 

“So you don’t go to many museums? Or um movies? Or…”

 

“I don’t go out much at all to be honest,” he interrupted. “Well, aside from the occasional camping trip that is. I usually keep to myself, at home. Until recently, of course.”

 

Hal cleared his throat, hiding the disappointment of half a dozen invitations, all declined before he could even ask. “I see.”

 

“I’ve traveled all over the world,” Dave said thoughtfully. “Met its people, seen its sights… felt its shadows. It can be an overwhelming place, and not always one I want to be a part of.”

 

“Oh,” said Hal softly, hope fading. “I guess I can understand that.” He shoved his hands deep into his pockets and continued on the path, trying not to let the light misting of rain sully his mood.

 

“But for all its faults, there is one good thing about the place,” Dave added.

 

Hal turned his head, stomach wavering. His nose twitched in an attempt to banish the minuscule droplets of water that had collected on his glasses.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah,” Dave smiled. “You’re in it.”

 

Hal stopped abruptly and turned to face Dave, closing the space between them. He stared straight up into his face, heedless of the strands of hair clinging to his forehead.

 

“Please.” He said quietly. “Please kiss me. You… you can’t say something like that and not at least kiss me.”

 

Smiling warmly, Dave leaned down until their faces were mere inches apart.

  
“I suppose you’re right about that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize to anyone who has been waiting on this chapter! I had a little bit of block while working on it, but I also ended up with a few more ideas that I want to include in this story, so I've been doing a little bit of research as well. Thanks to everyone who has left me kudos, comments or sent me notes. It is so very encouraging and I appreciate it so much <3


	8. Chapter 8

“This isn’t where you normally have class, is it?” David shifted the bag of books onto his shoulder, having wordlessly liberated it from Hal’s straining arms. 

 

“Oh, no. I mean- it’s not my class, I’m just the assistant. But you’re right, I’m normally in the Comp-Sci building across campus.” Their voices echoed in the long and empty hallway, a seemingly endless row of dully painted brick punctuated by the occasional door or bulletin board. 

 

Dave made a soft grunt of assent. “So what are you doing down here in this dungeon then? Chemical Engineering? Not your field, right?”

 

Hal smiled, “Well, no. Not technically. But I’ve been working on a few projects lately in hopes of branching out with some more practical applications. I’m just here to deliver the goods.”

 

“You? Practical?”

 

“I know, right? I can barely believe it myself.”  Hal laughed softly, thinking how best to explain the work that had been taking up the last several months of his life.

 

“So, my friend Ross, it’s his lab we’re heading to. He’s been working on… actually I don’t super understand the work itself, but he’s using this technique where he uses machines to run a high number of reactions basically simultaneously.” He rubbed at his chin softly, fingers grazing the hint of stubble forming there. “High… high throughput screening? Yeah.”

 

“Sounds like something where a little organizational programming might come in handy.”

 

Hal nodded. “Exactly. Plus, he’s graduating this semester and has to leave his work behind for the next guy. You know, he almost seemed surprised when I scoffed at his chicken scratch notebook. The poor kid after him would have ended up spending a year just trying to make sense of it!”

 

“So you’re just swooping in to save the day.”

 

“Ah…” Hal blushed a little and adjusted his glasses. “W-well, that remains to be seen. Ideally, the code I’ve written won’t have any trouble integrating with the lab software, but there’s always some fine tuning to be done. You don’t mind waiting?”

 

“It’s fine. Wasn’t having much luck getting anything down today.” 

 

“Something the matter?” He couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but Dave seemed a little ‘off’ today. Attentive as always, answering his questions like usual but still somehow… distracted. 

 

He didn’t quite meet his Hal’s eyes, choosing instead to clear his throat and adjust the bag once more. “It’s nothing. Let’s just, hurry and find your buddy’s lab? I’ll feel better when we’re in a room instead of…”

Suddenly realizing why the narrow, frankly claustrophobic hallway might not be the most comfortable place for an extended dialogue, Hal quickened his pace. 

 

“J-jeez, I’m sorry. Wasn’t thinking. Let’s go. We’re nearly there.”

 

It was just a few seconds more before Hal found the door he’d been looking for, and knocked. Meanwhile Dave focused his attention on the four-panel comic taped to the door, outlining some of the more hilarious aspects of graduate school.

 

Ross turned out to be a pair of glasses perched somewhere beneath a wild bush of dark hair and extremely eager for Hal to set up his program. Dave found himself wondering if all science types ended up talking at light speed when they got excited.

 

“This looks good for the most part,” Hal called to him from the small office in the corner of the lab. “But he wants to run a few samples through, make sure everything gets sorted correctly, and then we’ll double check the search function, make sure it’s intuitive and accurate enough for the next guy.”

 

“Take your time.”

 

David busied himself by perusing the numerous textbooks lined up on top of a filing cabinet against the wall. Hal had been a bit vague on the details concerning Ross’ work, seemed to understand it only on a basic level himself, but from what he’d gathered it had something to do with drug tests. Hal had mentioned cancer. Every new compound  _ always _ got tested for efficacy against cancer.

 

He couldn’t really make heads or tails of most of what was in the books, even the diagrams demanding a base level of familiarity with both chemistry and biology that Dave lacked. But it was enough to distract him, keep his mind busy and thoughts in the present.

 

“Dave?”

 

Hal called out quietly before reaching for his shoulder, but he was already shelving the book.

 

“All done then?”

 

“Yeah, sorry about the wait. These things always seem to take twice as long as you expect.”

 

“But it worked?”

 

Hal grinned and shifted his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “The phrase ‘miracle worker’ might have been thrown around here and there. Mostly by me, but I stand by it. C’mon let’s head out and grab a bite? How do you feel about pizza?”

  
  


“As always, I continue to be pro-pizza. That what you want for d-”

 

The two had only just made there way out into the chilled air of the hallway, just a few doors down from Ross’s lab when the lights abruptly shut off. Immediately the sound of a hundred angry students could be heard, computers dead, papers lost. Cursing and yelling and mumbling about back ups and saving echoed into the hallway as doors open and bodies started pouring out around them, all searching for answers.

 

“Fucking… remind me why they put the spectrometer in this building anyway?”

 

“I hadn’t saved for six hours. Six long hours!”

 

“Oh my god, I’m going to SCREAM!”

  
  


“Shit, what… where’s the wall?” Hal reached a hand out, fumbling until he touched brick.

 

“Hal.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, hold on. You still got my bag? I think we can just keep going straight and we’ll-”

 

_ “Hal.” _

 

“Sorry, sorry, I know this is so stupid right. I’m just glad I’m not one of the-”

 

“Hal.  _ Please. _ ”

 

He couldn’t see David’s face, hadn’t yet found his arm in the dark, but suddenly Hal knew everything he needed about what had happened. Without wasting another second he turned using the wall to trace his way back until his other hand found David a few paces behind. 

 

It was so damn stupid. The basement hallway, little more than a tunnel, poorly lit in the best of times and so narrow as to become easily crowded. And like this in the dark…

 

Holding his shoulder, Hal spoke softly but distinctly.

 

“Can you make it back to the lab? It’s right behind us just about ten paces.”

 

David nodded.

 

It was seven seconds before they made it to the door. Another four before Hal could find his cell phone, flick it on and light a way to the nearest table. Six more and he and Dave were on the floor against it.

 

“Can you breathe?”

 

“Mnnot… not well.”

 

“Okay, okay. I’ve got your hands. Feel that?” He took Dave’s hands in his own and pressed his thumbs lightly into his palms, squeezing gently to try and stop the shaking. “Gonna be okay. Try and match me alright? In… and...and… out. Okay? One more. In… two...three… four…five...six...seven.. out…”

 

Slowly, he began working his hands up and down the lengths of Dave’s arms, gently brushing his fingers from shoulder to wrist over and over in time with the slow breathing he was hoping to encourage. 

 

“Alright. Can you try talking to me? Tell me what’s happening.”

 

“Y-yeah. Give me… just a second… heart’s going a mile a minute…”

 

“Hal? Everything okay?” Ross stood at the door of his office, face lit the the screen of his phone. “Should I call someone?”

 

Unsure of exactly what to say, Hal opted to keep things simple. He could answer questions later if necessary, but right now he had to focus on Dave.

 

“We’ll be fine. Just need space right now. Dave? How we doing? You know where we are right now?”

 

“Chem lab in the basement.”

 

“Yep. Good. I know it’s dark but can you describe it to me from earlier?”

 

There was a long pause, punctuated only by Dave’s labored breathing and the occasional voice from outside the door. For a moment, Hal was worried he might not get an answer, that Dave would be too lost in his own memories to respond.

 

“Dave?”

 

“Floor is white. Sort of. That weird streaked kind of tile I guess is made that way to hide the scuff marks. Several work stations with black tops, all covered in glassware. There’s… there’s a filing cabinet just over there with books on it. I was going through one earlier.”

 

Hal found himself nodding, even though he knew David couldn’t see. “Yeah? Anything interesting?”

 

Dave hesitated before speaking again, but when he did his voice is a little more even. “I- I couldn’t make sense of most of it. Something about… drug studies. Cell membranes and...and ion transport.”

 

“Oh yeah? I think Ross might have mentioned something like that. What else?”

 

“The cells were… broken I guess. Something about proteins and missing signals or maybe receptors. Not… accepting… I… I can’t remember, Hal.”

 

“That’s okay, hey. Hey. Why don’t we try something else. What did you do today before coming to meet me? Tell me in order?” It was difficult to keep his voice light and conversational, but Hal did his best. The most important thing was to remain calm and grounding.

 

The sound of heavy breathing was all he could hear, followed by the quick, faint sound of Dave licking his lips.

 

“Woke up… eight...eight thirty. You were in the shower. Put the coffee on so it would be ready when you got out.”

 

“Thanks for that, by the way.”

 

“Sure. Um… made the bed. Shaved. Said goodbye to you and started up a load of laundry.”

 

“Good, good. Can you slow down a little? Tell me a little more?”  Hal let his hands rest on Dave’s forearms, but kept his thumbs moving in slow circles. The familiar sigh told him Dave was struggling to slow down and examine his thoughts before continuing.

 

“Had to leave around noon to make it to my appointment. Drove there. Marcy wasn’t in group today, I think she might have caught a cold but I didn’t want to ask.”

 

“And after the session?”

 

“Stopped to fill up the car. Came home and made a sandwich. Turkey on wheat. Tried to get some work done, but nothing was coming to me. Kept spacing out and ended up with a page covered in dots and circles. Pretty soon it was time to meet you on campus.”

 

“Right, right. We met in the lot by the union and… oh…”

 

The lights flickered twice before stabilizing and Hal couldn’t stop himself from wincing at the sudden brightness, too sharp for comfort. He applied a little more pressure with his fingers as he felt Dave tense in surprise.

 

“Hey, okay? Just the power coming back. See, we’re in the lab just like you said. So.. we met in the lot and then?”

 

“...”

 

“Dave?”

 

He’d closed his eyes, but struggled to continue. “Brought you the notebook you asked for. We walked to pick up something to drink and I sat outside with you while you ate the sandwich I brought. You said you had to make a stop at the chem building and… yeah, we… we came here.”

 

It was difficult to stifle the pang of guilt he felt for bringing Dave here in the first place. If he’d been thinking he would have realized the basement level of the building had all the hallmarks of a problem area, but he’d been so focused on his work he’d failed to put the pieces together. And as usual, Dave had opted to endure it despite his own discomfort. There would be time for apologies later, when they were back at his apartment. For now he had to focus on the task at hand, namely getting Dave to a point where he could make it back outside.

 

“What happened after that?”

 

David swallowed and Hal could see him counting slowly in his head, timing his breaths. 

 

“Waited for you. Flipped through that book and when you were done we went out into the hall.”

 

“Right, and then?”

 

“...The lights went off. People were yelling. Couldn’t see anything but it started getting crowded… couldn’t breathe or see…”

 

“And that worried you. It reminded you…?”

 

Dave’s eyes slowly opened as he stared at Hal with a pained expression. 

 

“It’s alright, you don’t have to get into it. I understand. It was just a tripped circuit breaker. Something got overloaded. It was sudden, unexpected, and you panicked, but you’re safe. I’m here with you, and I’m not leaving. We’ll wait here til you’re ready to try and go, okay? Take all the time you need, just keep breathing.”

 

Hal received a small nod for his efforts, but Dave remained quiet after that, struggling to focus his attention on the room around him until he finally settled on his hands, slowly opening and closing them in time with his breaths.

 

Another half hour passed. Ross made another appearance to check in on the two of them, but a nod from David and a few words from Hal assured him they would be fine. The gentle squeeze on his shoulder signaled that Dave was ready to try and stand, and Hal helped him to his feet, bag of books slung across his chest as he kept his other arm wrapped firmly around his waist.

 

It went a little slower than Hal would have liked, eagerness to get the two of them back outside making him a little impatient. But Dave seemed unwilling or unable to go much faster than his normal pace. Eventually they made it up the steps and back out into the open air.

 

“Doing okay? Need to take a minute?”

 

Dave shook his head. “Rather get back home, but…”

 

“I’ll drive. My place?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

The drive back home was mostly silent aside from Hal checking in a few times, reaching out to cover Dave’s hand with his own at stop signs and lights. Finally, at long last they made it inside. 

 

For a moment, Hal thought me might have to guide Dave, direct him to take a seat, but thankfully he only lingered in the doorway a moment before finding his way to the sofa and falling onto it.

 

“Here, drink this,” said Hal quietly, offering him a glass of water. “I’ll get us something to eat, just take it easy.” 

 

Thinking pizza would probably take too long to arrive, he decided to forego it and instead started rummaging through the pantry until he settled on a box of macaroni. It wasn’t fancy, but it would be warm and little trouble to make and eat.

 

Dave seemed disinterested at first, but after Hal took a seat next to him on the sofa and coaxed him with a nudge of his arm he managed to empty his bowl. Setting them both aside, Hal reached behind them both, pulling a blanket around their shoulders.

 

“How are you doing?”

 

“Not great.”

 

“That’s okay. Tired, I bet.”

 

“Yeah. Not… sleepy just… worn out.”

 

“I’m… sorry. I should have realized sooner. You even said it made you uncomfortable but I wasn’t paying attention. I was so fixated on this project and-”

 

“It’s fine.”

 

“It isn’t.”

 

“No,” Dave admitted. “It’s not, but… it...is.” 

 

Hal leaned into his side gently, wrapping his arm around Dave’s back, thinking quietly.

 

“I’m going to put something on, okay? Maybe a documentary? There’s that one about the sushi guy I’ve been meaning to see.”

 

“That’s fine.”

 

A little bit later Hal was settled back on the sofa, running his fingers slowly in gentle patterns on Dave’s arm. It wasn’t going to be an easy night. He’d need to stay awake, keep checking in.

 

So he made found a comfortable spot in the warmth of Dave’s side, took a few breaths to relax himself. 

 

And waited.

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for being so patient with me and this chapter. I apologize for taking so long, but it really means so much to me- everyone that's been asking questions and leaving encouraging comments. We're pretty close to bringing it all home. <3


	9. Chapter 9

Hal could feel the skin on his face tightening as he winced at the faint streams of sunlight making their way into his apartment. He blinked a few times as the world around him slowly swam into focus. His glasses were still perched on his nose but he plucked them away to rub at his eyes. 

 

It wasn’t the first time he’d fallen asleep on the sofa, frequent victim of all-nighters be they for coursework or the latest season of his favorite anime, but his vigil from the night before had a more urgent purpose.

 

“Dave?” He mouthed the name more than he said it out loud, throat dry from a poor night’s rest. He craned his neck to get a better look around the room and finally sighted a telltale lump in his bed. Tripping over his feet just a little, Hal made his way over and peered at Dave, who was still sleeping, though the haggard look on his face made it clear it was far from quality rest.

 

There were pill bottles on the nightstand, familiar though Hal hadn’t seen them for a while. At least Dave had finished the glass of water after taking them. 

 

If Dave had elected to take something to help him sleep, it probably meant he’d be out for several hours yet. That left him a little time to prepare. A quick trip to the corner grocer would be alright and Hal could use the opportunity to clear his head. 

 

It took about ten minutes for Hal to realize he’d been staring at the display of eggs, as though the difference between “Extra Large” and “Jumbo” held some deeper, crucial meaning. Maybe there was just something comforting about the flourescent light coming from the case.

 

Hal cringed inwardly. Light… or more accurately the lack thereof. It wasn’t anything he could have predicted, but there were so many ways he could have handled things better, starting with not dragging Dave into an underground lab. 

 

He flipped the top of the carton open and checked the eggs for cracks before closing it again with a quiet squeak of styrofoam. It fit neatly in his basket next to a loaf of bread and carton of milk with an expiration date as far into the future as he could manage.

 

Hurrying back to his apartment, Hal was glad to see Dave hadn’t yet appeared to have woken. He closed the door carefully behind him and set to task working on a late breakfast. After a few minutes he had the coffee maker running and poured a mass of beaten eggs into the pan. 

 

Whether the smell of the food or soft sizzle of the oil was responsible for rousing Dave, he wasn’t sure, but Hal managed to keep one eye on the stove while peering towards the bed. He maneuvered eggs and toast onto two plates and set them on the table.

 

“How are you doing?”

 

“Mmmnn.” Dave mumbled, voice still thick with sleep. “Alright… I guess.”

 

Hal pulled out his own chair and took a seat. “You should get something in your system. Protein, starches, fats. Most important meal of the day, you know? You want juice or coffee?”

 

“Coffee.” Dave took a seat himself and picked up the fork Hal had laid out, pushing the scrambled eggs around while he stared at the toast, butter, and jam on the table. “Please.”

 

The room was silent aside from the gentle clink of silverware and Hal’s fingernail tapping lightly against the handle of his mug. 

 

“Do you want to…”

 

“Yeah. But not here. Let’s go out. After breakfast.”

 

Hal nodded and returned to his meal.

 

* * *

 

 

It would have been foolish to expect anything besides grey skies. Though the season had produced one of two brief flurries, none of the snow had stuck around for long, melting into the hard earth before vanishing completely. 

 

Hal stared at the ground, the leaves stuck to his shoes, the last struggling blades of grass doing their best to survive in the bitter cold. 

 

They’d set out without any real destination in mind, or at least none that they discussed, but found themselves back at the familiar pond behind the library. Hal stared out into the water, calm and undisturbed now that the fountain was shut off and the resident waterfowl had sought out warmer climates. 

 

Perhaps Dave was drawn to the stillness of the scene as well, because he took a few steps closer to the water, jaw set, eyes staring straight ahead. Hal followed him, unsure how to breach the subject, so he simply waited. When Dave spoke at last, it wasn’t at all what he’d expected.

 

“You didn’t sign up for this,” he sighed.

 

Hal opened his mouth to reply, but the words in his head tasted too hollow to speak aloud. He reached out to take Dave’s hand, wrapping his fingers tightly around it but felt no response.

 

“Hal…. you… you’re amazing, you know? From the first day we met you’ve only ever…” Dave shook his head. “Can’t say you made me feel ‘normal’, not sure that’s even possible anymore but-” He looked down at Hal with a sad smile. “More like you made me feel like being… the way I am… like it’s okay.”

 

“Dave…” Hal squeezed his hand a little tighter, but was stopped short when he pulled away.

 

“Dave?”

 

“Thing is, it's  _ not _ okay, Hal,” Dave continued, no longer able to meet his gaze. “And… things like yesterday… well everything had been going so well for me, for  _ us _ I’d almost forgotten that I’m… the way I am.”

 

“What are you saying?” 

 

He didn’t really want the answer.

 

“It’s pretty incredible all the things you can do. Never met anyone like you, who can make a computer dance just by hitting a few keys. I don’t understand all of it, but take yesterday for example. That program you worked up for your buddy, that’s the kind of thing companies pay big money for, Hal, you’re on your way to great things. And you deserve it.” He crossed his arms in front of his chest, still looking out at the water.

 

“You deserve better than me, anyway.”

 

It was all happening so quickly. Dave was speaking with such finality, had even gone so far as to lead him back here as though bookending the span of their relationship with this place would somehow make the blow easier to bear. He wanted to reach out to him, to hold him, to assure him that everything was okay, that they would be fine.

 

“This sucks!” He shouted, stamping his foot on the ground.

 

Dave looked back at him, eyes wide. Whatever he had been expecting, it wasn’t that.

 

“This… this whole thing! It sucks!” Despite the cold, Hal could feel his face growing warm, his entire body shaking from anger rather than the cold. “I know it does, okay? You- you’re not… it’s not some big secret, it’s… it’s awful!”

 

Hal took a few steps towards Dave and grabbed the front of his jacket, clutching it tight in his trembling fingers. 

 

“Everything… everything has to be planned according to your schedule, and cancelled by it as well. There are places we can’t go, things we can’t see. There are things I want to share with you but I can’t because there’s a chance we’ll have a problem.” He stared up into Dave’s face, tears already forming in his eyes. “Everywhere I go, I’m always evaluating everything for potential problems. It’s exhausting. And… and I can’t.... I can’t complain about it.” 

 

Dave didn’t move. Didn’t speak. God, Hal wanted him to say something, anything. If he didn’t he would just end up going on, bleeding out all over him until it was all over.

 

“Or I guess I should said I’m not “allowed” to complain. Can’t say anything. You didn’t ask for this to happen to you, didn’t ask to be affected this way. You work so hard every day just to get out of bed and out the door. Just making it to your appointments twice a week is a big deal, I get it, I really do. But it gets so damn frustrating having to hold my tongue because I know, I know losing it isn’t going to help anything, will just make us both feel worse.”

 

He could feel Dave growing more rigid beneath his hands, could sense him pulling away.

 

“Hal, I’m sorry.”

 

“I know,” Hal whispered. “I know you are. And… I know you shouldn’t have to be.” 

 

They stood there for a few more seconds, both unsure of what to say until Dave broke the silence.

 

“I’ll… I’ll come by later. Get my things.”

 

“What?” Hal cried. “No!” He scrabbled at the fabric of Dave’s jacket, trying to keep him from turning and walking away.

 

“But you said…”

 

Hal took off his glasses to rub at his eyes and shook his head. “I know. But that doesn’t mean I want to end things. I just wanted you to know I… I see things the way they are.” He took a few deep breaths and focused on calming himself before replacing the frames on his face and speaking again. 

 

“I’m don’t imagine we’ll get a ‘happily ever after’ Dave. Or maybe…. Maybe that’s not the way to say it.” His head drooped. “I mean I know there’s no magic cure, this isn’t a curse that gets broken with true love’s kiss.”

 

Dave’s hand reached up to cover one of his own and when Hal looked up he found him staring down at him intently, eyes full of questions.

 

“Everything sucks a lot of the time, okay. That’s just the way it is; I don’t want you to think I don’t realize that somehow. But I’m not waiting for it to get better. I’m not waiting for _ you _ to get better.” He bit his lip and sucked in a quick breath. “I… I want you to… to be happy, you know? To keep on working towards something that good for you but… I… I want to be with  _ you _ Dave. Not some theoretical future better version of you that may or may not ever exist.”

 

He closed his eyes and waited for Dave to tell him he was being foolish, that he was only going to drag him down. But the words never came. Instead he felt familiar arms circling around him, pulling him close and holding him there until the chill in the air was just a memory.

 

“Dave?” It wasn’t much of a question, more of a plea for assurance.

 

“It’s okay Hal.” Dave’s voice was low, his lips brushing softly against his ear. “I’m just thinking about what you said.”

 

Hal swallowed hard. “Oh… oh yeah?”

 

Dave pulled back just enough to look back at him, and took his chin in lightly in his hand. Sadness still lingered in his expression, but he eyes were soft as the corners of his mouth twitched faintly with hope.

 

“Something like…”You can’t say something like that and not kiss me”?”

 

It wasn’t the longest kiss they ever shared, nor the most passionate, but as Hal felt Dave’s lips against his own he could tell that this kiss, this instant was  _ important. _ It was a far cry from those first uncertain fumblings, different even from the later moments of hunger and excitement. He realized that in this moment what they had was something they’d both been seeking, something they’d both needed. 

 

A kiss could mean many things and right now it meant forgiveness, agreement.

 

And understanding. 


	10. Chapter 10

“Hal? Hey!”

 

Hal turned and smiled, happy to see a familiar face in the crowd. He weaved through the slowly shuffling bodies and shelves of books until he found himself on the receiving end of an enthusiastic hug.

 

“Jenna!”

 

“It’s so good to see you! You been doing okay?”

 

“Yeah,” Hal nodded as he pulled back and buried his hands in the pockets of his jacket. “Keeping busy. You know how it is.”

 

“We were kind of sad not to see you back last summer. School got too demanding, huh?” 

 

“School,” he agreed. “Life. Managed to do some traveling, but now I’m making up for the time off.”

 

“I saw the pictures online!” She beamed at him, eyes wide. “Japan looks totally amazing. You had a good time? Those rocky swimming pools looked like a lot of fun.” 

 

“Onsen,” he amended. “Outdoor baths. They’re very relaxing and kind of therapeutic. Tokyo was a lot of fun too but the sort of tranquility you get out in the countryside…” Hal grew quiet as he sifted through his memories, searching for the words. “You can get a lot of thinking done.” 

 

“Oh, I bet. Did you wear one of those kimonos? They make them for guys, right? I bet you were so cute!”

 

“Jenna…” Hal rubbed the back of his neck, feeling color creep into his face. “I mean… they make you wear one…”

 

Her nose wrinkled as she laughed softly, clearly enjoying the chance to tease her old friend. “Speaking of cute, where’s Dave? Did you come here with him?” She peered behind Hal, trying to find him.

 

“Ah. N-no. I walked over on my own.”

 

“Ohh.” She nodded, understanding. “I see. But you’re here for the talk, right? Not just to come and reminisce with me? I’ve do have the inside details on this month’s featured authors.”

 

“Tempting,” Hal smiled, “but yeah, I should get in there.”

 

Jenna gave him a squeeze on the shoulder but returned to her desk, rushing over as she saw the short line of guests needing help. Hal joined the flow of visitors all shuffling into the larger auditorium housed within the library, frequent home to guest speakers and movie nights. The last time he’d been in the room was to help wrangle a few dozen rowdy grade-schoolers who had earned the privilege to attend a Harry Potter themed lock-in, and he felt a small pang of guilt for not coming back to visit more often. Still, he hadn’t been lying. The last year had been a tumultuous one, full of changes, some of which he hadn’t felt entirely prepared for. And today marked the start of yet another.

 

At the moment, however, Hal only felt a quiet anticipation, bolstered by the murmurings of the crowd in the room. It was quite the turnout, though he wasn’t exactly surprised. Satisfied, perhaps. He was lucky enough to snag a char in the back row, giving a cursory nod to the woman sitting beside him. She nudged her purse out of the way and gave him a tired, but genuine smile. 

 

After a few moments the room quieted and a gentleman took the stage. Hal couldn’t remember his name, but had a vague recollection of him coming to work at the library just as he started cutting down the number of his own shifts. 

 

“Good afternoon,” he bowed his head slightly to speak into the microphone at the podium, pulling back as his voice echoed back a bit more strongly than he’d intended. “I want to thank you all for coming to this month’s edition of ‘Local Stories’. I see a lot of new faces in the crowd… ha… a lot of new faces, wow, so I just want to let you all know that we do these features every month, bringing in local authors for readings and some personal time with them to discuss their work.”

 

“So if you like today’s speaker, please come visit us next month I think… yes we’ll have Mr. Benedict Miller, sharing his research on post-war Japan.”

 

He cleared his throat and gave a quick glance to the side of the stage before carrying on.

 

“Ah, one last thing. We’ve been asked to please hold any applause until the end of our time, but you will have a chance for questions at the end of the reading, so please do stick around for that. Are… are we ready? Okay. Great. Ladies and gentlemen, The Manske Ranch library is very pleased to welcome Mr. David Sears to the stage.”

 

Hal raised his hands instinctively, but caught himself just in time quickly shoving them down into his lap as he stared up at the stage. 

 

And there he was. 

 

Dave approached the podium with no small amount of uncertainty, eyes flickering out to the assembled crowd for just a second before becoming fixed on the microphone and small stack of notes he’d assembled. One hand tightly gripped the leash of his very handsome partner, a husky mix who had come to him named by his trainer. Kubrick. Dave had said it must have been fate.

 

At first Hal thought Dave might have difficulty addressing a room so full of strangers, and indeed several seconds passed in complete silence. But when he did begin to speak, his voice was steady, words calm and even.

 

“I never intended to write a book.”

 

A soft wave of laughter passed through the room.

 

“Really. I mean, I intended to write, of course, but I never thought anyone else would ever want to read what I had so say, let alone gain anything meaningful from it. What eventually became the book I assume you’ve all read, or at least heard of began as nothing more than my own journal, a bundle of informal writing that I did when I had the time, or just needed to sort out my own thoughts.”

 

“But then my therapist, or one of them anyway, suggested I read some of what I’d written down when I went to group. And it actually helped a lot, saying things out loud, made it easier to examine my own thoughts.”

 

“What I hadn’t expected was for other people to tell me that they understood what I was going through.”

 

“We were all there for similar reasons, but the experiences that brought us to that dingy little room once a week were wildly varied. More than a few of the group had difficulty putting their feelings into words, but in that instant we forged a connection of shared ordeals.”

 

“Later, I got some encouragement to take a second look at that journal, to try and ‘clean it up’ a bit for general consumption, and put a fictional name on the pages for the sake of creating a narrative.”

 

“But Eli… well he’s me. His story is my story. His struggle is my own. His frustrations very real to me.”

 

“I got tired of hearing friends and family tell me ‘You just have to be patient, you’ll get there’ when the truth is there is no ‘there’. There’s no finish line, no endpoint that you reach where you wake up one day and realize it’s finally over, that everything is behind you and you’re finally rewarded with a return to normalcy.”

 

“They say ‘Life is about the journey, not the destination’, but my reality has been that there is no destination in sight, and every time I had one in mind I fell short and had no other recourse but to punish myself for my failure. It became easier not to have a goal in mind, to focus on each day, each hour as it’s own temporary landing pad before I regained my breath and made a leap for the next. The journey was all I had.”

 

“And from that, there is no escape. You tire easily from the travel, but cannot afford to stop moving. But if there is no endpoint, no target, then how do you know when you’ve succeeded? Because surely without success, there is no point to even getting out of bed each day, no reason to face the world.”

 

Hal shifted in his seat a little and scanned the room. It was almost eerily quiet, though he could see a few members in the audience fidgeting slightly. The woman beside him was silently worrying the buckle of her purse strap, running her fingers over the ridge of metal over and over again, but her eyes were trained firmly on the stage.

 

“Ah, but it’s not as grim as all that,” Dave continued. “Because each of those small things become small victories. Getting up in the morning, taking care of yourself, doing the small and necessary things that prove the world is still spinning and you are a part of it.”

 

“It feels… well it feels stupid at first. Especially if you start comparing your past and your present. It’s easy to get caught up in thoughts of who you ‘used’ to be and what you ‘used’ to be able to do. It’s easy to think that what you’re doing now isn’t as good. But that’s only because you’ve lost sight of the fact that now, every second of every day, you’re ‘doing’. You shouldn’t take anything for granted or discount your accomplishments, because you’re genuinely working hard every moment of the day.”

 

“It’s easy to forget- but if you’re lucky, you’ll find someone you can trust to help remind you.”

 

Kubrick gave a hearty chuff and looked up at Dave, curious about the gentle tug on his harness as more gentle laughter filled the room. 

 

“So I want to thank all of you. For making it here today, for coming to share your experiences with me, with everyone here. But more importantly I would ask, if you would, look around the room. Look at the faces of the people here, and remember that everyone is dealing with something. You are  _ not _ alone.”

 

Dave was soon joined onstage by the same librarian who had introduced him before and the floor was opened to questions,but Hal took the chance to sneak out the back. He sought Jenna out once more and chatted with her briefly until the two were interrupted by the sound of applause.

 

“That ran pretty long, huh?” She asked, peeking in the direction of the auditorium. “Not bad, not bad. I always feel bad when they get someone to come who wrote a niche book about something like the mating habits of mayflies in Indonesia and the session ends early. No chance of that this time around though, huh?”

 

Hal shook his head, “None at all, it seems.”

 

“You going to stick around for the book signing? It’s kinda cool right? He’s like a real celebrity.”

 

“Actually, I think I might head back home already. I don’t want to be in the way.”

 

“Oh…” the confusion was evident on Jenna’s face, but she decided not to pry further. “Well take care, okay? It looks like it might rain. And don’t be such a stranger, we all miss you here!”

 

“Thanks. I will.” He caught a glimpse of the auditorium opening, and quickly slipped out the door.

 

* * *

 

 

Hal closed the door of his apartment with a soft ‘click’ and quickly shed his backpack and jacket, both barely wet with the first drops of rain. Within moments he was curled up on the tiny sofa, tattered but well loved blanket pulled around his shoulders as he reached out for his laptop and set something to play. He flipped through the various folders for several minutes, knowing it didn’t matter what he chose; he wouldn’t be able to focus on the show anyway.

 

An hour or two later he was finally interrupted as the door opened and he was greeted with numerous enthusiastic kisses.

 

“Gah! Kubrick! Down! Oh you’re wet! Yuck!” Hal pushed the dog from the sofa onto the floor, unable to suppress a grin as the dog rolled on his back, silently pleading for attention. 

 

“Hey give the old boy a break,” Dave said from the doorway, hanging up his coat. “It was probably torture, being able to see you from up on that stage and not being able to get the ear scratches and belly rubs he wanted.”

 

“Did he tell you that, or are you projecting?” Hal smirked, looking up from the happily wriggling dog on the carpet. 

 

“I never ask you for belly rubs.”

 

Hal snorted and stood to find towels that were clean enough for the pair. 

 

Dave put a pot of coffee on and Kubrick made himself at home, lapping up his bowl of water before settling into his bed with a treat and the terrycloth duckling he’d apparently claimed as his pup.

 

“You left early,” Dave said from beneath the towel as he did his best to dry his hair. “Everything okay?”

 

“Mmm. Yeah.” Hal nodded, pouring a cup of coffee to buy himself a little more time to think. “It looked like it went really well, I was lucky I managed to grab a seat!” He smiled wanly at Dave as he stirred some sugar into his cup, feeling a little embarrassed about the whole affair. “I’m sorry. I should have stayed. I just…”

 

“Hal?”

 

“Well, I was listening to what you were saying- you did great, by the way. And you were absolutely right, y’know? Everybody in that room had their own problems, they were dealing with something just like you. In that way, you… you were all the same. And I…” He stared down at the coffee, tiny bubbles on the edge slowly disappearing.

 

“I felt like I didn’t belong there.”

 

“Hal…”

 

“I know, I know.” He set the cup down, still full. “That’s ridiculous, and I was there to support you, not get caught up in my own weird mental… I don’t know. Sorry.”

 

Dave smiled softly as he reached out and ruffled Hal’s hair. “You remember what I said? About finding someone you can trust? Someone to rely on when it counts?”

 

“Yeah?” A pang of guilt started gnawing at Hal’s gut, bothersome and insistent. “But I don’t really see what that has to do with-”

 

“Trust, Hal.” Dave said, bending down just enough to look him in the eyes. “It means you don’t have to explain. I know you’ll be there when I need you.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

“Besides,” he continued, leaning back against the counter. “You might have been surprised. I had more than a couple of people come up to me after the talk that were there because of someone they knew. Kids or spouses having trouble and they weren’t sure how to help them cope. People like that…like _ you _ … they have stories of their own.”

 

Hal peered up at him through his freshly mussed fringe, thankful for how it obscured the blush he could feel rising into his cheeks. 

 

“So.” David said, taking his mug to the sofa as he found a spot only faintly smelling of wet dog. “What are we watching?”

 

“Oh I hadn’t really… I just put something on to kill time until you came home is all.” Hal found his own place next to him and pulled the blanket down from the back of the sofa until it draped over their shoulders, a ward against the storm outside.

 

“This again? I know you’ve explained it to me three or four times, but I still don’t get it. They’re all tomatoes? Or they are, except the lady who is an angel. And she’s watching this all on TV? But she was a part of the story too…”

 

“I’m… not entirely sure the director knew where he was going with it, to be honest,” Hal admitted. “But it’s still fun, I guess. It’s not always about the ending.”

 

“You’re right.” Dave leaned back just enough so Hal could rest his head against him while still having view of the screen. “It’s about the path we take to get there.” He smiled to himself as he brought his arm around Hal’s side, fingers twining in the damp tips of his hair.

 

“And who we take it with.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh! So... at long last, this story has come to a close. I hope you've enjoyed it as much as I have enjoyed sharing with you.
> 
> I just want to thank everyone who took the time to read this AU, leave kudos and of course the comments that I eat up with must zeal and gusto. This ended up becoming my longest solo project to date so it's been a learning experience for me.
> 
> And I just want to give a special thank you to my friends and everyone who reached out to me to tell me that some part of this story resonated with them for one reason or another. Knowing that I've managed to write characters you can identify with makes me really feel like I've done my job as a writer. So thank you, thank you for that.


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